These days, I walk about as if you don’t exist. Please forgive me. I don’t do any of it to hurt you. I made a promise to him, and I want to keep it. Lying is one of the things that will bring a marriage to ruin, much like money problems, or infidelity. I have to keep my word. The closer I get to you, the closer I come to going against it.
Some nights-while everyone else is asleep-when perspiration makes his skin look inky black, and the smaller he is lightly snoring with his lips apart, just so, rosy and face lacking any hint of color, I reach into the drawer where I keep my intimates, and I look for the only hint of you that’s there, hoping no one sees or hears me longing for you. I know I have a problem. I tell my friends about you all the time. They tell me it’s okay, that others have the same problem. I don’t care. I want to be rid of you. I feel like when we have been together, people can see you clinging to me, your smell lingering all over the tiny hairs of my face. I wish I could just quit you. My life would be so much better.
Last Sunday, I ran out to the store. I was supposed to be getting egg whites. My heart was happy because I managed to leave the house all by myself. I missed the baby, but getting in and out of my vehicle without fighting a car seat is pretty nice. I went into John’s, the International market, and immediately started looking for the one thing on my list. I found the egg whites among smiles, and “excuse me’s.” It was such a pleasant day. Easter. Who can be unpleasant on Easter? Whether you believe in the bunnies, or the rolling away of the boulder, logic dictates one should be kind on Easter. I was walking to the register, feeling like the winner of some nameless prize, and I saw a barrel of plums. Blonde plums. I pulled a bag from the roll and let the warmth from my feet rise to my face. He loves plums. I looked them over and squeezed them between my fingers, making sure they would be fit for him. I got to a register behind a man with several loaves of phallus shaped bread, and cantaloupes. “What a boring Sunday dinner,” I thought. To each his own. When there was room enough for me to place my wares on the conveyor belt, I did. Then I turned around.
I’ve never seen you wearing yellow. At least I don’t remember. It looks amazing on you. I guess that’s why you ended up coming home with me. Levi was fussing when I came in the door. That’s how you went unnoticed. He didn’t see you, so there was no argument. Not about us anyway. To be honest, I forgot I was hiding you. I went into the refrigerator today and saw you staring back at me. You are much more attractive than your friend taking up residence in my panty drawer. Maybe you appeal to me because you are a foreigner. Will you speak German to me when we sit down to eat? My Ritter Sport Knusperflakes, I love you to the point of worship. I can’t keep my love for you a secret anymore. Give me an ultimatum. Tell me it’s you or my body and see who I choose. I dare you.